Beginning with teachers & school . . .

Johnny: There it is, sir.

Teacher: Now, Susie, who discovered Australia?

Susie: Johnny did, sir.

Teacher: If there are five flies on this desk and I hit one with the ruler, how many will there be left?

Johnny: Just the squashed one, sir.

Hannah: What’s the difference between wages and a salary, sir?

Teacher: Well, if you get paid wages, you get paid every week, but if you get paid a salary, you get paid every month. For example, I get a salary and I’m paid every month.

Hannah: Really? Where do you work, sir?

Teacher: Johnny, what is the opposite of misery?

Johnny: Happiness, sir.

Teacher: Good. And what is the opposite of sadness?

Johnny: Gladness.

Teacher: Excellent. And what is the opposite of woe?

Johnny: Gee up.

Teacher: Alan, give me a sentence starting with ‘I’.

Alan: I is –

Teacher: No. You must always say “I am . . .”

Alan: O.K. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?

Johnny: I didn’t even know it was ill.

Teacher: Johnny, name two pronouns.

Johnny: Who? Me?

Teacher: If I had four apples in my right hand and five apples in my left hand, what have I got?

Johnny: Awfully big hands, sir.

Teacher: David, how can you prove that the world is round?

David: I didn’t say it was, sir.

Rosie: Miss, I ain’t got a pencil.

Teacher: No, Rosie – I haven’t got a pencil, you haven’t got a pencil, he hasn’t got a pencil, we haven’t got a pencil, they haven’t got a pencil.

Rosie: Gosh, Miss, what’s happened to all the pencils?